My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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