i wish my penis had a tongue
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
