you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All I want is dick and wine.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
