I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
