Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
zippers are such a cool invention
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just want nice things and good sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
