before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
