I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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