I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
