I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize