just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
