If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
