Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Terrible idea I love it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
