so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize