I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
