Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
