He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I love black thongs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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