if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Green mimosas i think yes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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