its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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