I wish my penis had an off switch
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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