don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize