my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't put those talents on a resume
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
