My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
