Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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