he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
