I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
