We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
nutella sex= disaster
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
