the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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