Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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