Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
