What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
