I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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