foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
40s are totally the cure
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
