saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
