So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
