when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
