His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
