Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
