dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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