If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
