Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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