Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I love you.
Bad choice
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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