I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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