just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
