I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
