They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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