I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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