Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
