he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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