grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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