Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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