i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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