its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Randomize
