Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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