the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
