I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize