my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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