fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
