My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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