Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
