He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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