I think I won the penis lottery.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize