On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
