cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
