Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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