I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
