we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
