He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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