Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
