I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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