I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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