I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
