Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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